Scream for Me

5⭐️1🌶

I finished Scream for Me by Rabea Scholz. How do I begin to even describe this book?  It wasn't remotely what I thought it was going to be.  In no way is that a disparaging comment.  This was so much more than I ever could have possibly imagined.  This book dives deep, so incredibly deep, into human connection, vulnerability and true surrender.  I've had books pull at my heart strings; I've felt sympathy for characters.  I've even seen parts of myself in them.  I have never read a book that cracked me open and peered into my soul.

Owen, the MMC, is emotionally closed off.  He's completely numb and is just floating through his life mearly existing.  He goes down a bit of an internet rabbit hole and finds The Grey Lady, who specializes in "therapeutic surrender."  Owen is rather intrigued and on an impulse fills out the contact info on the website.  He goes through the lengthy intake process and meets Claire Stirling (The Grey Lady).  He decides to pursue sessions with her.  It all starts out pretty routine.  I guess, as routinely as BDSM sessions can start.  I have to admit I know next to nothing myself about this process but I've learned a great deal from this book.  Owen is understandably nervous about these sessions and what he'll actually experience.  The tension, nerves and emotions come right off the page.  I felt like I was right there in the room with them.  It was such a palpable experience reading this.  Claire is also going through something, dealing with an element from her past.  Owen sparks something in her she has never experienced with other clients.  Their professional relationship evolves into something else.  I won't spoil anything more.

I think this resonated with me so much because I see so much of myself in Owen, right down to the love of goats.  I felt for Claire as well, but on a different level.  Owen struggles with connecting to people, even his own family.  He pushes everything down inside and doesn't allow himself to feel at all.  He isolates himself and only has one really close friend.  There is more to his backstory that hasn't come out yet.  I suspect it was from his childhood.  Either emotional abuse by a narcissistic parent or just an extremely emotionally repressed upbringing.  I've experienced professional burnout and I have a hard time connecting to people.  I can't say I've become completely emotionally numb but I've come pretty close before.  The BDSM in this book is not the focus, its the narration tool used to move the story.  It's integral to the story but this isn't raunchy or shocking or even erotic.  It was beautifully written and accessible and its made me look at some things very differently.  In the intrepid words of Philip J Fry, it made me feels ways about stuff.  I cried so much reading this, but like good cleansing I feel seen tears.  I'm still trying to process this hours later.  I assume this book is going to stay with me for a long time.  I will also say this, it left me wanting to know more about Owen and Claire.  I know the author is working on the sequel and I cannot wait.  This book only scratched the surface and I want to see where their relationship goes; how it evolves.  

So in short, this was poinent, emotional, tense in an anticipation sort of way and absolutely beautifully written.  I loved it and I think it's very thought provoking.  I really hope more people pick it up and give it a try.  It's truly a hidden gem and I'm so glad I stumbled across Rabea on Instagram.